Keep it a whole 100: Marriage and Motherhood

The date: December 19, 2015.
The occasion: my Mr. asking me to spend the rest of my life with him.

I distinctly remember one of my line sisters, who is a veteran in the marriage game, telling me that she was saving her congratulatory message.  "Marriage is hard," she reminded me and now I can say, "Where is the lie?"

I love my husband and without a doubt, I know that he loves me.  I move his stuff (not on purpose all the time!) and he sometimes smashes all the cookies.  Both are reasons for a side eye, but certainly not a separation.  The beautiful part about being married to my husband for me is that I always have a person to listen and challenge me when needed.  It doesn't hurt that he's a fine specimen to look at :-)

My idea of marriage is shaped by what I saw it to be, as well as what I know works for my relationship.  I used to be slightly jaded on the idea of marriage as I've watched too many people I love end up divorced or even in these long-term situationships that probably deserved to end years ago.  In 2018, I do think sadly that the idea of marriage is shaped by weddings and the type of turn up that one day can bring.  My Instagram feed is full of fly wedding dresses, heavy decorated event spaces and all I can think about is, "How much did THAT cost?!"

We've been married for almost a year and a half and before our first anniversary, we added a bundle of joy to the equation.  Nearly seven months old, she is the most awesome baby ever!  For me, every day is a negotiation between ensuring that I first take care of myself, but also keeping in mind the commitment I made to my husband and what I want motherhood to look like for me.  I had a few students tell me they couldn't wait to have kids and I quickly let them know that they are not about this life anytime soon.  Babies require much more than cute clothes...

What keeps me grounded in navigating all of these roles and spaces, plus keeping my sanity is remembering perfection is not the goal.  It's remembering that teamwork makes the dream work.  It is asking family members to take the baby for a few hours and understanding when a reset is needed.  Marriage, motherhood, the combination of both or neither isn't for everyone.  For me, this is a life that I love and something that I'll keep working hard to make work!

Shifting Priorities

A few days ago, I almost missed a friend’s birthday.  A legitimate “oh, sh*t!” once I saw a post on social media.  For about two seconds, I started to reevaluate my role as a friend, yet quickly remembered that everything was fine.  Any of my closest friends know that in the past and if nothing else, they at least would get a birthday card from me.  If we are close enough, their parents would get one as well.  Even better, their babies would get a gift from Auntie Crystal.  However, the way my life is set up now, a text is probably the best I can do and that is said with as much love as possible.

I had a conversation with my husband-to-be about this as even for his birthday this year, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. Just a few years ago, 40 for 40: The Birthday Edition was created.  I reached out to his family, friends and fraternity brothers, persistently asking them to send videos of them sending birthday wishes. Simply stated: the best gift ever! In the years since then, I’ve always wondered how I would ever be able to top that.  He said more than once this year how much he appreciated the acknowledgment that he did receive on his special day.  I listened to what he had to say the third time around and by those words, I remember why he rocks: it’s the simple things that matter to him.

I’ve been able to reflect over the past few days and truly think about how I see myself in the relationships I have with others.  I usually come up with the ideas for family gatherings and celebrations and do my best to acknowledge the meaningful moments in the lives of those that I love.  In my reflection, I’ve come to terms with the change in relationships.  Distance makes a difference and life is simply different for me.  With a wedding to plan, a family to nurture, over 300 students to help steer into life after high school, plus have time for myself, I’m easily spent.  It is best for my self-care and preservation to recognize my capacity and work within that.  This doesn’t mean that those special occasions of my loved ones aren’t important anymore: it’s just that I cannot celebrate every event with pomp and circumstance.  Instead, I have to choose wisely. This works both ways: I know that life calls others to focus on other things as well and I don’t expect they will be able to support every thing that I have going on either.  

Bottom line: you get to make the decision about what is important to you at any given moment.  The priorities of your high school, college and post-college years are likely going to be different and that is perfectly fine.  Don’t get it twisted: when it is time for it to go down with my people, it goes down!

On the road to #foreverett: Getting Started

December 19th will always be a special day, as my now fiance earned his degree and we also got engaged!  I wasn’t ready for the moment that it actually happened (as I don't think you should be!) and all I could do then was cry.  It took me a while to realize that it actually happened and smiles commenced from then on! :-)

My fiancé and I have been dating for about six years now and our family and friends have been waiting on the moment when we announced our engagement.  (We already know the subsequent questions regarding an actual date and children). However, anybody who has been married before or even considering it knows what a very personal decision it is, not to be made on external timelines. To conclude that thought, we know that everyone is happy for us and is looking to celebrate our union.

As of today, we’ve only been engaged for less than three weeks and I’ve already had to be talked off the ledge.  Planning a wedding can easily become a part-time job.  There are so many things to consider.  First, there is the budget.  Then of course, when, where, how many guests, the wedding party, colors, the dress and the list goes on.

Of course, I am looking forward to the big day and for the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with my handsome, supportive and loving teammate and partner!  In the meantime, I am hoping to document the journey on the road to #foreverett (t's 2016; there is a hashtag!).  Enjoy the ride!

About the whole Valentine's Day thing...

February 14^th.  

A day to celebrate love.  A day to get romantic.  A day for some single people to be salty. 

For some, this holiday is at the top of the list of their favorite days of the year.  For others, it is somewhat dreadful and a reminder of what they feel they do not have when it comes to a romantic relationship.  While I am an advocate for love, I’m not of the opinion that a whole lot of money needs to be spent in order to prove how much you love your partner.  Love is a beautiful thing and I’m happy to be loved and in love.  On the other hand, I’m just starting to think that so many expectations are built up around this holiday and many people are frankly out here getting their feelings hurt. 

With the prevalence of social media these days, I am beginning to approach the day with a little more skepticism than normal.  Do people want the flowers, cards, candy, balloons, dinners and rose petals because they are things they truly appreciate from their partner?  Or are we in an imaginary contest with our friends and followers, attempting to portray the image of love?  If the first thought of Valentine’s Day is which Instagram filter your flowers will look best in, there might be other things to personally evaluate.

Simply put, love and appreciation should be a constant, not stored up for this one day out of the year.  Most importantly, with any holiday or special occasion, you and yours have to determine what is best for your situation.  I'll be doing just that, spending time with my handsome Valentine! :-)

See You Later, Drake

A Bulldog and a future Bulldog (Class of 2033)

I’ve been at this place before.  I’ve said goodbye to Drake, knowing that this campus will always have a special place in my heart.  This time is different though.  When I graduated, I pretty much had to leave and this time, the choice was a little different.  There are no hard feelings here; just a realization that it is time to move on to the next chapter in my journey called life.

I like to think that my Drake experience is unique.  I’m sure my mother had no idea that her daughter would walk the same campus she did nearly 25 years after her, let alone end up working for her alma mater.   I would often get asked if my mother forced me to come to Drake and the answer is no.  She always referenced her time at Drake as the best four years of her life and as it turns out, I had some pretty amazing experiences as a student myself. 

During my time as an undergraduate, I came into my own.  I ultimately decided that I wanted to attend Drake because no one else from my high school class would be there.  I wanted to start fresh and that is just what I did.  Within the first week of classes, I met Barack Obama and truthfully, I didn’t even know who he was.  Looking back, that moment was priceless.  By the time my first year of college ended, I met him again and I also had the chance to meet Michelle Obama.  The pictures I was able to take with them will be cherished forever.  There are countless other moments, memories and experiences that would take forever to recount, but have shaped me into the person I am today.

My time at Drake, as both a student and an employee, is shaped by my academic experience, of course, but also by the relationships that I was able to create and maintain.  When meeting prospective students, I often share with them the fact that I could call President Maxwell and he knows exactly who I am.  He even shared running tips with me during an alumni event in Phoenix back in 2011.  I think the transition back to Drake in 2012 was so effortless because of the relationships I made as an undergraduate. Coming back felt like I never left.

I will be physically absent from Drake on a daily basis, but that is just fine.  The memories, the people and these two degrees are with me forever.