Honestly, I’ve never really celebrated Father’s
Day. My brother and I were raised by our
wonderful single mother and the story goes just as you might think; my father
was not around to help raise us. There
were male influences in my life such as my uncle, who although doesn’t have any
children of his own, has always been around as an additional support system.
Although the day has come and gone this year, I
noticed this year how the holiday has turned into a second celebration of sorts
for single mothers. One of the biggest reasons I noticed that
provided justification for this: “My mother has played the role of both mother
and father in my life.”
Frankly, that is (nearly) impossible.
I read an article on Bossip (click the link for the article and don’t judge me in the process) about
Hallmark Cards and its promotion of this concept. Apparently, the company has produced a card
that people can purchase for their mother on Father’s Day. My issue is that the card is produced under
the Mahogany line, which is targeted toward the Black community. It sounds like a promotion of stereotypes
within our community, the one that says single parenthood is the norm.
As great as my mother was and will always be,
there is no way she can fill the void my father left. She truly did the best she could with the
circumstances given. However, there are
some memories I’ve seen other female friends experience that I will never know
anything about such as my father being present on prom night or the feeling of
being Daddy’s little girl. I watch my brother with my niece and smile on the inside, mostly because I can tell she loves her dad and also because I know that she will get to feel what I've missed out on.
Maybe this celebration of single mothers on Father’s
Day is a matter of us breaking with tradition, but in my opinion, there is no
need to in this case. We do more acknowledgement
of absent fathers than we do of fathers who play their roles well. I don’t believe in giving people accolades
for things they are supposed to do, but we must learn to celebrate the positive
instead of harboring on the negative. I also recognize that there are many men, including those close to me, who are tackiling this fatherhood thing without proper modeling and doing a very good job at it.
I do think this should further the discussion
about the need for fathers to take their rightful place in their children’s
lives. Even if the romantic relationship
doesn’t work out between the mother and father, that is no excuse for absence
on the part of either parent. (As hard as the concept may be to grasp, there
are some absent mothers as well).
And with that being said, don’t wait until
designated holidays to show appreciation for your parents. Any day is a good
day to do so. I only ask that when it is
time to let people shine, whether it be Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or their birthday,
please let them have their moment. A final thought: check out "From Fatherless to Fatherhood," a documentary which explores the importance of fatherhood.
"You can't aim for what you can't see."
I just finished reading one of the most inspirational books ever, "The Pact," written by three Black males who made a collective decision as high school friends to become doctors. They faced adversity no doubt, but they stayed dedicated to their goal and accomplished it. The quote above signifies the biggest takeaway that I got from the book.
A part of my job is to create and implement pipeline programming for high school students of color, with the goal of exposing students to the possibilities of a legal education and higher education in general. Many students in the Des Moines area see Drake as a school that is not accessible, with people that do not look like them on its campus. With these programs, we have the opportunity to change the perspective of these students and allow them to visit a college campus, sometimes for the very first time in their lives. Once they visit campus, the students can better visualize themselves as college students (and maybe even Drake students one day!)
Think about this: how did you know what you wanted to be (or didn't want to be) when you grew up? There was some level of exposure.
This book (and the quote above) reinforces the importance of modeling and mentoring. I used to want to be a teacher, but was shut down (with love) by my mother who has been an educator for nearly 30 years. I used to "play" school for fun and I attribute this desire to be in the field of education based on my exposure to the profession. I've found my way into the field in my own way, but I could have easily followed down another path and lived up to the low expectations that exist for girls who grow up without their incarcerated fathers (another blog topic for another day...)
Mentoring is equally important and the authors of "The Pact" talk about this as a key component in their lives. They realized how positive influences could make a difference and they sought out resources on their campus and even threw parties to raise money so they could set up a mentoring program for students in Newark, New Jersey schools. Again, the modeling and mentoring is key. The students from the local schools were able to establish relationships with college students, something that maybe they could have only dreamed about at one point. I think about my role as a Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central Iowa and know that I am doing something positive when it comes to having a relationship with my Little Sister, even if some of the effects are not seen for years to come.
My challenge to my peers (and anyone else who has the opportunity) is to be a mentor/model in some capacity. We have no room to complain about the next generation being "lost" or without hope when we have the power to help break cycles. Another reason why I love Delta is that they have taken the lead on this with the establishment and implementation of programs such as Delta GEMS, Delta Academy and EMBODI and I am excited about how I can also help with these programs in the forthcoming program year.
This task of mentoring does not come without its challenges. Even while mentoring young people in capacities outside of the home, the reality is that we have to combat issues of uninvolved parents, poverty, generational curses, peer pressure, among others. We see in "The Pact" where peer pressure was a positive thing and became about the men being accountability partners for each other. They didn't let one person fall and that is how we must be with ourselves, then encourage the next generation to do the same with their peers.
